I’ve resisted the urge to finish this post in hopes that I’ll arrive at a place of constant peace where it’s easy to share. But the waves keep coming and the desire I have to unbridle these words isn’t dissipating so I’ve decided to release them.
On top of the messy headspace I’ve been in, I’ve struggled to navigate the blogging/social media world as of late. I process life through writing; I have a genuine love for connection and periodically sharing some of my musings, but I don’t want to be egotistical. In general, I find bragging about the achievements and milestones of our children off-putting and when I’m reading others’ words about their lives or families, I filter it through a lens of someone who doesn’t have the “gifted” child, the well behaved one, the thoughtful partner, or supportive mother. It’s painful enough to struggle in life or in motherhood, let alone when someone else is sharing their picturesque, supposed experience of it. So where does that leave me? Can I share the significant and unique moments of our life and convey the authenticity of it? What does that look like? I’m doing my best trying to navigate it.
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I completed midwifery school in August — a finish line that Josh and I both eagerly awaited. We subconsciously assumed that a switch would be flipped and life would suddenly feel manageable once I graduated. It’s been eleven months, and frankly it still doesn’t quite feel like the dust has settled. We are exhausted. In every sense of the word we are deeply tired.
Our move to Portland happened suddenly and in the midst of a very peculiar season for me. Six months before we left Columbus, I experienced a devastating friendship breakup. It’s been the most traumatic and isolating experience of my adult life. Moving to Portland added even more pain to an exceptionally raw wound; at the same time it felt like a healing step forward.
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We arrived in Portland on May 1. We bought a Subaru Outback shortly thereafter because that’s the stereotypical thing to do when you move to Portland. I gave myself a little over two weeks to settle into our home (more on that in a bit...) and soak up time with Josh and the kids before transitioning to the unknown territory of being a working mom. I started at Alma on May 17 and we’d yet to find a sitter, so Josh was responsible for working from home while tending to the toddler and high-energy six-year-old. I have absolutely no idea how he survived, but for three weeks he managed to keep himself and the kids alive while also receiving a positive annual performance review. Miracles.
We celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary in June. We laid on a blanket while the kids ran around a splash pad. That's as good as it gets right now.
Fortunately with this move Josh didn’t have to quit his job. While he is starting to look into the job market here, for now he is continuing to work remotely for Ohio State University in marketing/communications. We are very thankful for this one constant in our lives. After spending an obscene amount of time on Care.com and local nanny Facebook groups, I finally found a childcare situation that has worked well for us. Our sitter has a two-year-old daughter and is a former first grade teacher making her a perfect fit for both Adelaide and Dawson. I am so thankful to have someone in their life who is enthusiastic about providing them with fun, structured play time.
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The irrational guilt I have placed on myself during this hectic period has been a tremendously burden to bear. While I am undeniably made to work outside of the home, it’s still hard to leave my little rascals. And even with childcare, my absurd schedule puts a heavy load on Josh a lot of the time. He is happy to be supporting me in this calling but it’s still hard on us. I remember how deeply loved I felt by him when he was willing to quit his job, pack up and move across the country for me to attend graduate school. The fact that four years later he packed up again and moved back across the country for my job is completely overwhelming. His support leaves me lost for words. We invested in marriage therapy when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with Adelaide, and we are fortunate to continue having virtual sessions to help us navigate these trying times so that we can stay on the same team.
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And for the kids: Oh my sweet Dawson boy. He has an absolutely beautiful soul. I sense something deeply special about him that’s hard to put words to. He has a curious, adventurous mind. He has a profound love of nature and, as my dad put it, is an “environmentalist by nature.” The last weekend in June we were at my parent’s house and my dad was using a powered saw under a tree in the yard. Dawson noticed the tree was housing a nest and he asked my dad (who has a forestry degree) to move the saw so he wouldn’t disturb the birds. Although my dad wasn’t worried about it, he told me that it is a legitimate environmental concern and that when in the forest, there are regulations around logging near the nests of certain bird species.
Dawson’s favorite thing to do is create art out of recycling materials. LEGOs are a close second. He is extroverted and outgoing in a way that I can’t quite comprehend. As introverts, this aspect of parenting is a bit challenging for Josh and I to navigate, especially during the pandemic when personal space has been of utmost importance for people. Dawson is (usually) tender and (mostly) kind and one thing is for sure: He continues to impress me with his emotional intelligence. He woke up last month with his first loose tooth and I swear it was just yesterday that I was clearing the shelves of any store that carried homeopathic teething tablets — how are they already falling out? He’s such a fun kid and I love watching him create and explore.
He loves books and is three years deep into an obsession with the superhero Flash. Every penny he receives goes toward the purchase of a Transformer. He likes robots and riding his bike and scooter. He has a genuine heart of gold and more often than not, his energy is a bit too much for us. He loves Adelaide fiercely and she also drives him nuts.
He is articulate and his choice of words and phrases are both impressive and amusing to me. Here are a few quotes from him that I had jotted down in my phone:
“I don’t know what’s going on. I’m really having a hard time with the days. Things just keep popping up and I can’t handle it.”
“They were not ordinary fries.”
“It was a difficult decision.”
“This hand lotion is refreshing.”
*Referring to an apple slicer:* “This tool is particularly useful.”
Overall, he’s handled the transition the best out of the four of us. He talks about Ohio a lot and it brings him to tears. He regularly asks when we can move back. I have to remind myself that that’s home for him. Portland is so much closer to “home” for me, but Ohio is all he knows.
The school year was complete chaos for Dawson and for us. We decided two weeks into the school year to enroll him in Kindergarten so that he would have some sort of structure and outlet during the pandemic. He had something like five first days of school:
First day of school (zoom)
First day of Kids Club*
First day at a new school (our top choice, which he was originally waitlisted for)
First day in-person (part-time)
[School goes remote again]
First day back in-person
First day of school in Portland (in-person, part-time)
*Kids club was a COVID-safe community resource that provided a pod for kids to do virtual school with help from teachers. It was a godsend for our family.
He’s really enjoyed in-person school both academically and socially and we are eager for him to return to first grade in the fall.
And Adelaide: Our Sister Girl. The Sissy Sis. Our list of names for her is ridiculous. She is (usually) a joy, (often) so sweet and easygoing. She’ll be two in nearly a month and at the time I started writing this, she didn’t have much vocabulary yet, but in the last week it’s really started to develop. She loves food and is known for her sweet smile. We’ve had off-and-on sleep battles with this girl and the move certainly didn’t help but I think we’re finally getting it worked out. She loves food, coloring on her body with markers, and getting into all the things that Dawson tries to keep out of her reach.
***
All in all, I’m thrilled to live here, and to my knowledge Josh is too. We are in Portland proper — in the North quadrant, which is known for its artsy charm and being a bit more diverse than the rest of the city. Alma isn’t perfect but I absolutely love my job and feel that it's a fantastic fit for me. Working full time has been a big transition. There’s so much behind-the-scenes work that goes into managing a household and I had a breakdown a couple of weeks ago when I missed a pediatrician appointment for Dawson for the second time. It’s all too much to keep track of. Being a working mom is next level.
My literal worst nightmare came to pass when we had a stomach virus make its way through our home. This was on top of some financial curve balls that were thrown our way, which came just after the three consecutive days of 115ºF heat that swept across the pacific northwest in early July. The majority of houses here (including our own) don’t have air conditioning and I was legitimately concerned about our safety in the heat. On top of our baseline of chaos, these few weeks really made it feel as though we couldn't catch a break.
Of course there have been joyful moments and beautiful memories made too. We went camping for the first time since having kids. It was a beautiful site at the base of Mount Hood, about an hour from our home. The kids absolutely loved it and it was more enjoyable and less work than I anticipated.
We’ve spent a few weekends at my parent’s house too — once to celebrate Dawson’s sixth (!) birthday along with Devan’s college graduation, and we made another trip for Devan and Alyssa’s wedding.
More on settling into our home: Moving from Columbus to Portland also meant downsizing from a 1,500 square foot home to 1,000. We no longer have a guest bedroom/TV room, playspace, front porch or a backyard. No more basement storage or laundry room. I’m grieving the loss of the quirky 1920 house that we called home for three years. I don’t love our new space and it doesn’t accommodate us well, hence why I still don’t feel like we’re quite settled in. That said, I feel very at home in Portland and it’s surreal to live here. We visited the Rose City a couple of times during my early childhood and although I consider myself to have a fairly poor memory, the times we were here are vivid to me. I remember going to the children’s museum as a young kid. I recall visiting family-friends in a VW bus and I can point out the coffee shop that my mom preferred while we were here for a baseball tournament in junior high.
Considering I’m an introvert and have only lived here for three months, I’ve actually cast quite the social net. A couple of my Columbus friends have connections to people in Portland that I’ve met up with since being here. I’ve also bonded with some coworkers, and our best friends from college live about 20 minutes from us so it’s been fun reconnecting with them too. I was very proactive and intentional about finding a new therapist for myself. I found the perfect match and see her weekly, which I couldn’t be more thankful for.
That’s it. That’s the update. As usual, our life is hard and messy and fulfilling and beautiful all at once. Thanks for following along.
Cheers,
T
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