I’ve had
lots of musings throughout this pregnancy, but in true second-child fashion,
they’re just now coming to fruition — 30 weeks in.
This is
unrelated to pregnancy, but after two years of graduate school, I’ve
finally reached the portion of the program where I am focused primarily on
clinical rotations relevant to my future career rather than bookwork. The first
couple of years of the program were content heavy, and to be honest, it was
completely unenjoyable for me. Now that I spend most of my days interacting
with patients in the role of a provider, I finally feel like things are my
speed. All that to say, my desire to do things I once enjoyed — like blogging—
have flooded back.
The first
trimester of this pregnancy was very similar to my experience with Dawson. The
extreme fatigue made it nearly impossible to function, yet I somehow also
suffered from insomnia. Even when I did sleep, I’d have bizarre and vivid
dreams. I’ve had migraines and experienced more nausea this time around, but
cravings and aversions remained the same. I couldn’t get enough citrus, starch
or salt and vinegar and had a short-lived craving for candy, specifically Big
Hunk, Hot Tamales and Sour Patch Kids, just like last time. Aversions during
the first few months included coffee, chocolate and chicken. Coffee and
chocolate are back in the rotation, but the only chicken I’ve had this pregnancy
is grilled nuggets from Chick-fil-A.
Around 13
weeks — way earlier than with Dawson — I felt some flutters here and there. The
initial inconsistency of feeling the baby move is anxiety-inducing for me.
Thankfully, she moves so much now — way more than Dawson ever did— that I never
have to worry about her wellbeing. It’s often distracting and I absolutely love
it.
With the
start of the second trimester — almost to the day — came a positive turn with
this pregnancy, just like it did with Dawson. The cravings and aversions lifted
and my energy returned, which is all I can really ask for. My hormones have
raged most of the time; I cry on a regular basis, which isn’t typical of me,
and I’m just generally emotional. As difficult as it can be to manage, I love
the raw emotional state that I experience during pregnancy. It brings out a
side of me that feels very feminine and I truly love. I can’t quite describe
it, but something about being pregnant makes me feel complete.
At 18
weeks, we found out she was a girl. Had Dawson not been convinced all along
that it was a girl, I would have thought that we were for sure having a
boy. Prior to finding out her sex, I was desperate to feel connected to
the baby inside of me, but nothing I did changed the lack of connection I felt.
I remember feeling that way throughout my pregnancy with Dawson. When they
placed him on my chest and I laid eyes on him for the first time, I remember
feeling in shock that there was actually a real baby there. I assumed that
would be my experience this time around too. But the minute I learned we were
having a girl, everything changed. I can’t explain it, but truly I feel like
I’ve known her forever — like she’s finally coming to join us.
I hit the
third trimester a few weeks ago, and it feels like kind of like a mild version
of the first: I’m exhausted and don’t have much of an appetite. I’m definitely
not eating as healthy or working out to the same extent that I was during my
pregnancy with Dawson. It has affected both my mental and physical states, and
I’ve had to work hard to make peace with the fact that I’m doing the best I can
given how different my life is this time around. I already feel heavily
pregnant, which is something I didn’t experience much until the very end with Dawson,
so that’s somewhat alarming considering I have 10 weeks left.
I truly
cannot wrap my head around how fast this pregnancy has gone. Forty weeks felt
like an eternity with Dawson. A small piece of me is rightfully terrified to
have a newborn again, mostly given our overloaded life circumstances, but the
majority of me can’t wait. I feel more equipped this time around and can’t wait
to do it all over again with the perspective I have now. We can’t wait to meet
you, sweet girl!
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