When
I was pregnant with Dawson, a very small part of me mourned not having a
daughter, but overall I felt relieved because I didn’t think I was fit to be a
“girl mom." I have never been a girly-girl and even as a child,
my doll was a boy. “Boy mom” was, and still is, very much my speed.
But
lately, something in me has shifted. Perhaps it’s the personal growth I’ve
walked through which has left me deeply connected to my identity and experience
as a woman. Maybe it’s the passion for midwifery that has welled up within me
over the last 4 (!) years. Whatever it is gave me this fierce yearning for a
daughter, even before I was pregnant. And while I still don’t fit the standards
of our society’s stereotypical “girl mom,” I know now that those things don’t
matter. I want to raise a woman. I want to teach my daughter about the inner
beauty and strength that God gave uniquely to her. The excitement over this
little girl is so much more than now having “one of each.”
It’s
not commonplace to write about our hopes or preferences for the sex of our
child and I understand that these musings may be distasteful to some. We
receive the message that we should, “just want a healthy baby” and it’s been
uncomfortable for me to worry that I’d feel less-than-thrilled having another
boy. But I don’t believe that I’m alone in that experience and I want to remind
people that it’s okay to have these thoughts. They have served a meaningful purpose for me as I have processed and moved through them.
This
pregnancy has already been a deeply sacred journey. I don’t believe that God is a genie
in a bottle giving us everything we want, but instead I’m confident that my
strong desire for a girl was laid on my heart by Him and that He has big plans
for her and I as we go through life together. Please remind me of this when
she’s 14.
I
love you so much, A. And yes, even though, “girl mom” hasn’t felt like my
territory, Josh and I have had her named for nearly a decade.
Guided by your love, strength and connection, your baby girl will be so very lucky to have you as her mama-just as I am to have you as my friend. Walking together, not taking any of the tough parts away but just sharing them in solidarity and compassion. And of course the endless the laughter. xo
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